My rambling blog posts!

  Firstly, let's address the above photo; it's one of mine taken the other night when it was dark and misty and I needed a breather from the post-Christmas comedown. I felt it set the tone nicely as the weather matched my mood, it still does, I feel "misty and gloomy", SAD has arrived earlier than usual this year, it always turns up in January but to happen before new years eve is unheralded!  It's worth mentioning that I was going to say all of this here blog in a podcast form, (a good friend of mine even donated a podcast mic for just such an occasion), sadly I couldn't do it, I tried to record it and ended up getting emotional and looked ridiculous, (my rubbery, ogre-like face looks insane when I get upset, I wouldn't inflict that on anyone), so this here blog will have to suffice. Plus to be fair, this will be rather long-winded and potentially depressing due to the subject matter and how hard I've crashed, so wouldn't be a successful start to ...

  Confidence is a strange thing isn't it? We're taught from a young age to always be confident, stand upright and face the world head on. To be confident in your own abilities, self confidence is key...but to some of us that never really worked out. I don't recall ever having high self confidence, I remember many incidences where I knew the answer to something that someone was asking but opted not to say anything just in case I was wrong. I have zero confidence in regards to how I am as a person, what I look like and any skills I may have. Even this here blog has had about 12 re-writes so far and will no doubt will ramble on too long by the time I post it. Luckily I just assume not very many people will read it all - mainly thanks to that lack of self-belief.  However, what if this isn't a bad thing? Nobody likes someone who is over-confident, cocky and smug. That's nauseating to say the least, it usually goes hand-in-hand with narcissism. Is there a balance between...

This blog post you are currently reading has taken me ages to type out; not because I'm really bad at typing or spelling, but the editing and deleting of certain sections to make this remotely interesting and not depressing has proven to be quite the struggle. Added into the mix we also have the fact this has now been written and edited over a number of days and therefore, due to my fluctuating mood, the tone has shifted dramatically throughout. Am I happy with this, the end product? It seems ok now but if I were to read it tomorrow? Maybe not. Let me explain... This year has been brutal. I realise most people have had worse years than I - and I am in no way saying my sadness is more important or devastating as others; we all have sad happenings and tragedies in our lives and it's silly to compare them. If you are hurting for whatever reason - you have my greatest sympathies, it's a hard world out there and it seems at times to be unfair. As stated above, (before my incessa...

  Some of you may know that for many, many years now I have traditionally made a LOT of handmade Christmas cards for my friends and co-workers. I usually start the process in September, (as I make around 120-130 individual cards with about 60 different designs), as it takes a lot of time and effort, (even if they don't look like it at times).  I realise this may all sound narcissistic, it isn't, at no point have I ever thought anybody is particularly bothered about my Christmas card arriving or not, but I do hope those of you who have received a card have enjoyed them as much as I've enjoyed making them at least. I've had some kind comments over the years and that'salways nice to hear, but I'm definitely not big-headed about them...however, with that in mind, this years events have taken a toll on my mind clearly as I have hit a complete writers block, the ideas well has run dry for the first time in my life! I haven't been able to make a start and it's ...

  Tonight we sadly had to say goodbye to our canine companion Woodie and to say we are heartbroken is an understatement.  I'm having a rough time of it at the moment as recently my dear brother passed away too and one night as I sat on the floor crying, Woodie walked over to me and licked my face and therefore my tears away, stood near me and genuinely comforted me. Well, tonight my tears are for him too and I wish he were here to comfort us.  I know everyone who has a dog thinks their dog is the best but Woodie actually was! I've never seen a dog with such a gentle, sweet soul as Woodie. When we decided to get a dog all those years ago we went to a greyhound rescue centre and they let us meet another greyhound first called Sunny, who was a lovely well-behaved dog but not quite the right fit. I couldn't remember the name of the dog my wife wanted to see, (as unlike me, she had looked at them online), but I knew it was a dog with a name off of Toy Story. I asked to meet Wo...

  Here's a screenshot of an old home video of my lovely brother Mark when I lived with him, my wonderful sister-in-law Sharon and their fantastic children 20+ years ago. In the video he was looking at me exasperated as I was twanging a balloon perilously close to some breakable items in his home...I wasn't a child, I was 21 so his facial expression was justified! I remember those years very fondly, I had left home and was living with them all in what can only be described as a house of fun, excitement and above all else love. The footage this screenshot was taken from was actually one of their amazing childrens parties they always threw, a time of joy, party games, organised chaos and all the laughter that I remember so fondly, (I copied the fun element of these parties for my own children's birthdays many years later funnily enough).  When I lived with Mark we were probably quite  annoying together, we were partners in crime, always coming up with pranks and ridiculous h...

We all make mistakes, it's human nature, nobody is perfect and as the saying goes; "to err is human, to forgive is divine". As the picture above shows, one of my all-time favourite bands made a mistake. A joke was made that, in hindsight, probably shouldn't have been. Kyle Gass apologised at the time and subsequently on social media. His bandmate Jack Black also apologised and then went one step further and cancelled the rest of their tour and future projects. I feel it was just a misjudged joke and the uproar about it was o.t.t. considering they both apologised and I've definitely heard worse bad taste jokes on a stage before. I will always adore Tenacious D and just chalked this one down to a spur of the moment joke that ultimately was a mistake.  This story made me make a mistake too - I posted about this incident but maybe should have worded it better and checked if anyone else got hurt at the Trump rally, (I genuinely thought he had just got shot in the ear, ...

  I like creating things, keeping myself busy and hopefully raising a smile here and there. I've created many things over the years; hundreds of notes, letters, drawings, models, paintings, mix tapes, poems, cards, scrapbooks, videos, etc, etc. However I appear to have hit a wall currently in regards to what comes next.  The one thing I did notice was that the things I enjoyed creating the most were the things that other people enjoyed, that appeared to spur me on. Thd photo above was taken during lockdown when I drew a daily whiteboard quote and placed in my front garden each day. This was by far the most popular thing I've ever done; not just amongst passers-by and friends but also online. In fact some of my proudest moments were when some of my favourite performers whose quotes I used thanked me! It made my day and continues to bring a smile to my face whenever I think of it. I also feel pleased reading the positive comments from people who were enjoying them, such a lovely...

  All of us are searching for happiness in some way. After all we've all been fed the dreams of happiness from a young age - you go to school, finish school, find friends along the way, get a job, fall in love, get a house, maybe start a family and everything falls into place and you are eternally happy, right?  Well, sadly this isn't always the trajectory for everyone. Marriages fall apart, jobs get lost, houses are too expensive, friends get fed up of you, loveless relationships, abusive relationships, etc etc. So does this mean therefore that happiness is only for the few? That can't be right, surely! No, happiness is for all but it is the concept of eternal happiness that is the issue... I firmly believe happiness exists in lots of little moments, such as getting home from work after a long day at work, your first cup of coffee of the day, eating your favourite food, listening to your favourite song, seeing the sun rising and other similar little moments of joy.  Toda...

  We've all heard of the phrase "put it on the back burner"...well, my back burner is overflowing with things I've put off doing! Even without the bigger things in life, (learn to drive, get in shape, buy a house, etc), I struggle with getting round to doing things.  If you are one of my close friends then you will know all too well how I happily make plans for us to do certain activities; in most cases I write up a to-do list to remind me of things we plan to do together which has culminated in me having various to-do lists! I genuinely fully intend on sticking to and I look forward to doing those plans but I appear to be fairly inept on arranging actual times and dates, (I love hanging out with friends but hate bothering people so it creates a dilemma when arranging anything as I'm scuppered by my politeness).  Is everyone like this? Surely we all have little to do lists that get added to every few months or so? I am fairly impulsive which has also meant that I ...

This blog post has only come about because someone who was in my friends list on Facebook argued with me about a completely innocuous photo of myself chatting to Julian Clary during his show after I was taken up on stage.  You may well be wondering what they could possibly find to argue with me about that...apparently I'm woke, a snowflake and various other terms used to mock those of us who are accepting of others and on the left-side of the political spectrum. I was going to delete them but luckily they deleted me before I got the chance to which suits me really.  So, just in case I have any other bigots or people who wish to judge whether or not they want to follow me on social media or not, I thought I had best state here and now my honest beliefs. A couple of things before I do that though; firstly, I am not virtue signalling - just stating where I stand. I would like to think a lot of people think much the same as me so it's nothing new or a  unique viewpoint. Secon...

  There are some disappointing moments in life, moments that make your mood change from happiness into wanting to revert back into a toddler, throw yourself onto the ground and have a tantrum and start yelling "I don't wanna!" whilst kicking your legs dramatically.  The last day of a holiday is one of those moments. The above photo was taken this morning in the early hours whilst I was contemplating having to return to normality, (whatever that may be).  I'm fairly optimistic so it wasn't that I was dreading coming home; sure the thought of having to get back into a routine of backpain, alarms, general day-to-day chores and anxiety wasn't exactly a reason to celebrate, (nor was having to unpack for that matter), but I would see my other friends again, my pets, my worldly possessions and various other reasons that would give me plenty of reason to look forward to getting back home.  I suppose it's the same as when Christmas and New Years is over and melanch...

 I vividly recall the above photo being taken, I wasn't very old and the night before we were due to have our school photos taken I decided to get into an argument with my brother, resulting in him throwing a toy car at my face and scratching my face. As you can well imagine, I regretted this the next morning when it came the time for my photo to be taken, I was so embarassed and wished I hadn't argued.  That's the thing about regret, that moment where you start thinking "if only I hadn't...", it can really eat away at you like nothing else. If I had a time machine I would be hopping back all the time to alter things that I now regret, it would be an arduous task, (and that's without factoring in the butterfly effect, can you imagine!), so I'll leave time travel for now.  I have so many regrets, some minor and some major, I wish I could eradicate all of them but sadly I cannot. My regret tends to kick in just after I've done something on impulse. T...

  I apologise far too much. There, I admit it. I think it is part of my anxiety/ low self-esteem set-up. I apologise for many things; for being too early to things, for texting too often, for texting too little, for not answering my phone, for ringing people, for getting in the way, for not helping, for helping, for being the way I am, for being too clingy, for being too distant...etc, you get the idea. I am a ridiculously apologetic person.  This may be a problem and indeed those close to me have said it's unnecessary as most of the time a sorry isn't required or even apt at that moment in time. The issue is do I want to be someone who doesn't apologise? No, not really. So how can I find a balance here? I can list things that I would apologise for and decide which require apologies maybe? Let's try just that... Being early to an event/meet up - apology needed, could be deemed pushy or over eager.  For texting too often/too little - apology probably needed as it may com...

  The world is a stressful place, for a variety of reasons. As adults, we get inundated with stressful happenings; bills, jobs, health problems, parental woes, stress and many other issues pop up all the time and it's all too easy to feel down or disillusioned about your lot in life. A lot of us try to go back to our "happy place" and generally that means when we were all children with very little stress in life, hanging out with dear friends and being generally carefree.  I firmly believe that's why many things that were formerly aimed squarely at children have now become more adult-orientated, for example; cartoons aimed at adults, adult colouring books, instead of comics there are graphic novels. Adult toy collecting is booming and a lot of video games are made purely for the mature gamer. There are even "bounce" type places for grown-ups so we even get soft play areas! I'm not criticising all this, in fact I actively participate in a lot of the activ...

  I share a lot of things on social media; things I've drawn, silly videos, my attempt at singing and even when I am struggling mentally - I share a lot!  However, there are still many, many things I don't share; poems and sketches I've written and drawn, anniversaries of certain family members and friends deaths, videos I filmed and then decided they were too cringey to post, (yes, that's right - the videos I have posted are deemed as NOT cringey!), photos, the majority of my worries and anxieties  and a multitude of other things that I just wouldn't share due to deciding nobody wants to see or hear about them and well, anxiety.  So what is the point I wish to make in this blog post? Just that it's perfectly ok NOT to share everything, in fact it's nice to retain a certain mystique about yourself. I see some people who put EVERYTHING about their lives, (good and bad), on social media and I can't help but think that can't be a good thing.  I enjoy sh...

  This photo was taken back in 2020, the covid pandemic had taken hold and I had grown a beard, having told people that I would shave it off once covid had gone away! Morale around the globe was low and to try to spread a bit of joy I began posting daily videos and posts on social media to cheer folks up. I then started also doing daily whiteboard quotes and sharing them wherever I could, just to make someones day more upbeat. As a final act of defiance against the depressing world events I did a load of "virtual santa" videos for children who couldn't visit Santa's grottos. To the outside world, I was Mr happy-go-lucky, smiling whilst attempting to raise spirits all around me. The truth was actually much bleaker... I actually grew a beard because I no longer cared about myself or how I looked. Since the start of the pandemic, (much like the rest of the globe), I was struggling; struggling to stay positive, struggling to keep afloat whilst everything around me was goi...

  There's a joke that goes something like "why was the mortgage so clingy? Because i t hated being a loan" - not very funny I agree but it kind of hits the nail on the head in regards to the point of this blog post.  I've dedicated many of my blog posts on here to my friends so it goes without saying that friendship is highly important to me. It always has been ultra important but as I've got older it has become even more important and meaningful to me. As I mentioned a second ago - I have written many a blog about my love of my friends, (referring to them as my soul mates, which I still truly believe in), and my anxieties, (see last blog or indeed a lot of the others on here), so I don't want to just repeat what I've said before. I've got to thinking, (or should I say overthinking), this evening about how intense or clingy I may appear to those who I class as close friends.  I am blessed with having quite a few friends whose friendship I dearly cheris...

  The above screenshot is taken from a video of myself singing during national pianists day last year. It's a rather uninteresting photo, in fact you can barely make out what it is, so what's the significance you may ask; on the night this was taken I was suffering with anxiety, (you can tell by the fact my hood was up on my hoodie, I tend to do that when I'm feeling anxious, worried or sad, no idea why, it's just my go to). It wasn't the first time I'd experienced anxiety and indeed I still get many  days where it pops up and I can honestly say I hate it with a passion.  I have had to shift the way I look at it though, to not only accept this is the way my mind works but to almost embrace it! I realise my feelings of anxiety, paranoia and my worries are all part of what makes me the way I am so why fight against it!?  I don't like to self-analyse as I feel pretentious and a bit conceited when I even consider doing so, but the fact remains that I live inside...