Meandering thoughts of a meandering person...

This blog post you are currently reading has taken me ages to type out; not because I'm really bad at typing or spelling, but the editing and deleting of certain sections to make this remotely interesting and not depressing has proven to be quite the struggle. Added into the mix we also have the fact this has now been written and edited over a number of days and therefore, due to my fluctuating mood, the tone has shifted dramatically throughout. Am I happy with this, the end product? It seems ok now but if I were to read it tomorrow? Maybe not. Let me explain...

This year has been brutal. I realise most people have had worse years than I - and I am in no way saying my sadness is more important or devastating as others; we all have sad happenings and tragedies in our lives and it's silly to compare them. If you are hurting for whatever reason - you have my greatest sympathies, it's a hard world out there and it seems at times to be unfair. As stated above, (before my incessant rambling), this year has been significantly bad for me and those closest to me; my dear brother passed away, our beloved dog had to be put to sleep also, hey even my favourite chicken Kathy died too. I was already experiencing issues before all of these sad events occurred, so I was in counselling when this all happened. Friends of mine are going through things in their lives that make me feel sad for them, there's been devastating losses recently with old school friends of mine, just terrible. Then of course there's the threat of war always looming...it's a worrying time, I actively avoid reading or hearing the news as, (since 2020), it takes it's toll on my mental health. So, at the risk of sounding self-pitying, (which I most definitely am not), I am a walking bag of anxiety, paranoia and stress, walking along with fluctuating moods and thoughts. I've always been this way but it has been more erratic as of late. 

However, I am still trying to remain upbeat and cheerful despite all of this. This time of year is tricky because it is a reflective season; we think of those who are no longer here via faded memories and nostalgia which can be an upsetting, but important part of the festive season. Whilst we are reminiscing however, I think we should also remember those who are still here, the ones who are there for you. I'm blessed with not only my own little family but with kind friends and loved ones who have made this year, (and previous ones), infinitely better and more bearable. I've spoken many times in the past about how important these wonderful people are to me, they are everything and I will always be grateful for each and every one of them for as long as I walk the earth. 

So, you are probably asking why am I saying all of this, I've no doubt said all of this before so why repeat it? Well, because it shouldn't be taboo to say when we're feeling a bit out of sorts or finding things a bit different. This year has been incredibly difficult but I am ok, I will be ok, I have some truly wonderful events on my calendar to look forward to; parties, activities, Christmas, New Years birthdays coming up, including my own I suppose, (although as previously stated, I've always found that very awkward). The one thing however that keeps me buoyant is spending time with those I love and care about, (aka family and friends), at this time of year. I love Christmas in all of it's splendour, it really is what you make it and I've always tried to make it a happy time of year for anyone in my life. That being said, if you aren't feeling it this year, that's ok too - don't put stress on yourself for it to be anything other than what you can do. 

I am a bit more subdued nowadays, (not by much as, well, my aforementioned erraticness tends to make me a bit eccentric I suppose), I overthink most things, worry more than perhaps I should and I will have days where my anxiety, sadness and paranoia kick in dramatically but then there will be days I'm completely fine and as long as the days of feeling alright outnumber the off days then, well, it's all ok, isn't it. 

As always, if anyone needs a chat, I'm here, don't suffer in silence folks.