Anxiety and me - a match made in heaven?

 

The above screenshot is taken from a video of myself singing during national pianists day last year. It's a rather uninteresting photo, in fact you can barely make out what it is, so what's the significance you may ask; on the night this was taken I was suffering with anxiety, (you can tell by the fact my hood was up on my hoodie, I tend to do that when I'm feeling anxious, worried or sad, no idea why, it's just my go to). It wasn't the first time I'd experienced anxiety and indeed I still get many  days where it pops up and I can honestly say I hate it with a passion. 

I have had to shift the way I look at it though, to not only accept this is the way my mind works but to almost embrace it! I realise my feelings of anxiety, paranoia and my worries are all part of what makes me the way I am so why fight against it!? 

I don't like to self-analyse as I feel pretentious and a bit conceited when I even consider doing so, but the fact remains that I live inside my head a lot; I am often to be found stomping along the road when it's dark out with a look of deep concentration or melancholy on my face. I've always done this, I take things to heart, I worry about stuff; from the most insignificant little thing to huge dilemmas, I can drive myself mad with paranoia because I think I've upset a friend with a text message that I've read too much into or an abrupt interaction. I will read text conversations multiple times after sending them in case I inadvertently said something that may have come across as offish or rude. 

Just before Christmas I had a complete meltdown due to just that - I had text my best friend a completely innocuous reply and then convinced myself I had offended them and swiftly spiralled, culminating in me dropping everything and leaving the house to storm off through town with no particular destination. It took bumping into another friend and her children and one of those children running over to say hi and hugging me to make me realise everything was ok. That little act of kindness and well, niceness made all the difference, my brain just changed focus from "oh no" to "all is well". But that's kind of my point, is this merely just the way I'm wired? Why worry? 

A lot of my worries are superficial, I worry a lot about how I'm not doing as well as others or ticking off life experiences that I feel I need to do or have to be fully happy but in moments of clarity I realise that I may not have the fanciest of belongings, I will never have money or a car. I wont afford to ever go abroad to exotic destinations like others have BUT...that's ok. 

Wealth isn't important to me, it never has been, never will be. I have simple tastes and no desire to drive. I have family and friends who I care about and who care about me in return. We have a home which may not be the most stylish to some but we love it; it's full of memories and things we enjoy. We are going on holiday this year with some of our best friends and it's going to be perfect as we always have fun whenever we're around them. I may not have gone abroad but there are still many places around the UK that I've yet to visit so it's all good. I have a lot of friends who enjoy going for walks with me and chatting, (which always helps keep my anxiety at bay), and who have helped me out immeasurably over the years in various ways because they clearly care about us as much as we care about them. Life is good, so why am I anxious? 

I guess anxiety, concerns, paranoia, overthinking  and feelings of inadequacy are just part of what makes me human...alongside happiness, apologising too much, talking too much, laughter, love and all other bits and pieces, good and bad, that drop into the mix. I have a habit of taking selfies with friends when I meet up with them, it may seem vain or a bit cheesy but this is my way of preserving that moment in time, bottling up happiness for a bit - it's just one of my quirks I guess, but that's ok too - we should ALL be ok with being ourselves; our anxious, worrying, glorious selves! 

(P.s. I'm now worried I rambled on too long...)