One of the hardest weeks of my life...

 

Here's a screenshot of an old home video of my lovely brother Mark when I lived with him, my wonderful sister-in-law Sharon and their fantastic children 20+ years ago. In the video he was looking at me exasperated as I was twanging a balloon perilously close to some breakable items in his home...I wasn't a child, I was 21 so his facial expression was justified! I remember those years very fondly, I had left home and was living with them all in what can only be described as a house of fun, excitement and above all else love. The footage this screenshot was taken from was actually one of their amazing childrens parties they always threw, a time of joy, party games, organised chaos and all the laughter that I remember so fondly, (I copied the fun element of these parties for my own children's birthdays many years later funnily enough). 

When I lived with Mark we were probably quite  annoying together, we were partners in crime, always coming up with pranks and ridiculous hijinx to provoke a reaction out of Sharon, (who deserves a medal for her patience, tolerance and good sense of humour alone!). There are many tales to be told of the ridiculous things we got up to, for example; turning their kitchen into a road works storage room, food fights, energetic board games, giant spider frolics and a few breakages, (Sharon, if you're reading this I haven't forgotten I owe you fairy lights, a sheepskin rug, a garage door and probably a host of other things I've forgotten about!!), we were constantly encouraging and egging each other on to do bigger, more elaborate, ridiculous stunts, neither of us ever said no to each others ideas regardless of how harebrained it was. It was a fun, joyous time which I will forever remember fondly, so many fond memories which cemented them all as my close family. 

I was lucky to feel loved and accepted by Mark, Sharon and the children, (who I feel privileged to have got to see grow up from amazing children into the wonderful grown ups they all became), they embraced my erraticness and chaotic energy instantly and that has always meant the world to me. I was lucky to spend so many years in their company, not only as a brother and uncle but also as a friend; I will always be close to them all and truly love each and every one of them, they are my family and I count my blessings to have them in my life.

Mark tragically passed away this afternoon and I am devastated. I shant go into any details but suffice to say this has easily been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I've lost my partner-in-crime, my friend, my amigo, my brother and I am truly heartbroken. His spirit will always live on through his beautiful family; wife, sons, daughters and grandchildren. They are genuinely some of the nicest people anyone could ever meet, all have hearts of gold. I'm already missing being able to laugh at his funny  comments and insults. I would give anything to be able to go stay over at his and plot another escapade with him late at night or to share one of our dumb jokes that we both found hilarious. I know if he could see me crying as I type this he would probably tell me to shut up, (with added swear words for comic effect), and then remind me of a time when I wasn't sad just to cheer me up. 

I have endured many deaths over the years and it never gets easier. There is a saying about feeling empty as we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we loved and indeed still do love...I believe in that firmly and today I feel significantly emptier. 

I have spent many days up at the hospital with Mark, Sharon, my nieces, nephews, their husbands and partners, my wonderful great niece, some of my own siblings and Sharon's sister Jo and her partner also called Mark and in amongst all of the sadness there have been good chats, laughs, warm hugs and most importantly love. Each hug dulled the pain a tiny bit, each smile helped repair each crack in our hearts and the sheer volume of love in that little room lit up the darkness somewhat. That is what I cling to and will remember about this week. 

I miss you Mark, I love you and this really hurts, my heart is thoroughly broken. I'll always keep an eye out for your amazing family but truth be told they are one of the strongest families I know and their love for one another will help during this most devastating of times, I have and will always have their backs every step of the way of course - they are my closest family, I love them and they mean the world to me. I wish I had told you more often how much you meant to me and I really hope you knew how much I absolutely adored you. Thank you for all the memories, laughs, love and care. Rest well brother x