S.A.D. is harder than ABC...

 

Firstly, let's address the above photo; it's one of mine taken the other night when it was dark and misty and I needed a breather from the post-Christmas comedown. I felt it set the tone nicely as the weather matched my mood, it still does, I feel "misty and gloomy", SAD has arrived earlier than usual this year, it always turns up in January but to happen before new years eve is unheralded! 

It's worth mentioning that I was going to say all of this here blog in a podcast form, (a good friend of mine even donated a podcast mic for just such an occasion), sadly I couldn't do it, I tried to record it and ended up getting emotional and looked ridiculous, (my rubbery, ogre-like face looks insane when I get upset, I wouldn't inflict that on anyone), so this here blog will have to suffice. Plus to be fair, this will be rather long-winded and potentially depressing due to the subject matter and how hard I've crashed, so wouldn't be a successful start to my podcast career. 

It's also worth mentioning that I'm a huge fan of Christmas and after such a truly awful year I was looking forward to it particularly this year as I needed the positivity. It all started off well, I spent some quality time with family, friends and loved ones at various festive events, parties and just hanging out so it's fair to say I was feeling festive. Christmas day came along and did it's thing, so far so good. But around the 27th of December I acknowledged an unwelcome visitor had arrived - my annual seasonal affect disorder. I tried to fight it, I really did. I reached out via facebook to friends asking if I could hang out, (but picked the worst time of year to reach out as everyone is busy with the festivities, I get it, it's unfortunate timing), I went out with my family and have had a few walks by myself just to attempt to fend off the blues. 

I've had a wave of depression for much of this year and really didn't want to take it into 2025 with me, I am fed up of feeling like this as each time it happens I feel I'm losing a tiny bit of my joy each time and it gets trickier to get it back each time. I don't know what to do, I know I'm being ridiculous, I know people have worse situations in their lives, I'm not being self-pitying - if anything, it infuriates me that I feel this way, I really don't want to. I feel incredibly lonely, (which is crazy considering I have my wonderful little family), anxious, stressed, riddled with regrets and out of sorts. I build things up in my head too much, it's a negative trait of my - too much optimism, so I think I was hoping Christmas would be a cure-all, dumb I know. 

Am I a mutant or is anyone else like this? Overwhelmed by everything, physically exhausted by trying to remain just "ok". Surely I can't be the only one. I don't require sympathy or understanding even, so I can't mention this individually to anyone as then I get paranoid or feel guilty that they think I'm seeking comfort and sympathy. I'm not religious so that's another door shut to me in regards to help. I've tried counselling but it happened to occur during the worst happenings of my life so that got hugely derailed. I am tired. I'm not at work and my decorations are still up so I should be enjoying life but instead, even as I type this I am in my bedroom in the dark, shut away from the world as I don't want to inflict my blues on anyone unintentionally. 

Another question that arises is does this therefore mean I am a toxic person to know? I certainly never mean to be and keep 90% of my depressing thoughts to myself whenever I am feeling low, (so if you think I'm a bit of a misery now, imagine if you knew the full extent of my glumness), but as I am always authentic to a fault, I can't lie and say all is ok when my brain is telling me otherwise. I also have a LOT of people who clearly care about me and I truly appreciate them all yet would never contact them to ask for help, especially at this time of year, as they would then worry and I would hate that. You all deserve better, I know I'm a huge pain in the backside but I promise I try not to be. Can this be turned around or do I just embrace it and ride it out to it's conclusion where I become a full-time grouch? 

I'm actively fighting it - I put a post up on Facebook asking folks if I should do my "honouring national days" part two this year and the response was a big yes, so that'll give me a bit of focus. Some folks have shown truly overwhelming kindness to me and my family this year, I discovered who are me true friends this year. Some family have posted things on social media that have really touched me, so I know I am thought highly of by certain family and friends and even though I'm the first to think negatively about myself, I do appreciate the love and friendship and never take it for granted. 

Basically if there was a way of deleting half of my inner thoughts permanently I would sign up instantly! Why am I like this!? I don't require sympathetic comments or people worrying about me as I'm very much of the mindset that what will be will be and I worry too much about others to ever do anything drastic, (apart from anything else, my overthinking and anxiety weirdly keep me in check, albeit erratic check). I guess I just thought by the sge of 42 I would just naturally be alright and not the shambolic mess that I am. How do others "afult" so fluently!? I genuinely don't get it. 

For the time being I will just keep on stress eating and drinking and hope for the best, it's fared me well thus far, that's healthy right? 2025 may be a vast improvement if I manage my expectations? 

(P.s. sorry if I killed anyone's vibe, that is never, and was never my intention...hopefully I'll be back to posting videos of me singing songs badly whilst dressed as a manatee or something very soon)